Hey friends. Hope you're all well and enjoyed your holidays. 2020 was absolutely dreadful, and we don't need to rehash that trauma here just yet. It was nice to spend some quality time with the family. I didn't change from my pajamas for the entire Christmas weekend. That's unheard of for me. Lots of one on one time with my kids, catching up on Jane The Virgin (#Brogelio for life), and enjoying the silence with Courtney brought a wave of calm over me that I haven't experienced in quite a while. This move hasn't afforded me as much time with them as I imagined it would up front, but now that things are leveling out, it's been magic. The relocation to Pittsburgh has taken its toll on each of us, collectively and individually. It's been a challenging couple of months, but it's taught me so much about being content with simplicity. It's helped us find out our quirks, our strengths, how many times we can watch the episode of Community called "Regional Holiday Music" without snapping. This move is what we wanted, something Court and I talked about for a long time. Pittsburgh wasn't the destination we imagined as our starting point, but it was the idea of leaving where we were for the bigger things we know we're destined for that made us take the jump. As much as we love West Chester, and as much as I love Philly, I felt like I wasn't able to break through my creative ceiling the way I envisioned. I've been trying hard to find my footing in this new city of ours, one I've explored before but never laid roots in. Feeling creatively stuck on top of feeling displaced is unusual as hell. It's like walking in sand with clay shoes. As much as the time in quarantine and relocation exile has allowed for some serious self introspection, I still struggle with the idea of purpose.
Throughout my life, I've searched for purpose. The meaning behind this existence, the identity of self, who the individual - the "I" - is and what that represents in the greater context. Often, I've combined the search for everything with opportunities to reinvent, explore, take control of the seemingly uncontrollable forces that surround me. Most times, I'm excellent at tuning out from anything that causes me great discomfort, sadness, or general malaise at the mundaneness. I find things to occupy my mind; another record, another smoke, another mindless flip on Reddit. I've become so focused on blocking out anything that forces me to look inside that I've blocked almost everything. The second I allow myself a fleeting moment to feel anything - anything at all - that I've refused to acknowledge, I feel the white noise overtaking the emotion. I breathe, inhale, suppress. It took me a year of therapy, and the loss of 62 pounds, to understand how okay it really is to feel. To not feel "less than" because I feel so deeply. To not apologize for who I am. In spite of how many times I made myself a chameleon to impress folks who I never had any business trying to impress, the abrasive, sensitive, quirky hip-hop head, the person who's existed internally through my consciousness, is loved, valued, and worthy of receiving love. As long as I can get out of my own way, I'll finish the journey I started. One way that I can get out of my way is to step away from the cesspool that is Facebook. How much actual time I spend on Facebook doing fucking nothing is egregious. Scrolling mindlessly, finding the same echo chamber shit to instigate my anger about the world, contributing nothing of value. I'm continually convinced that this social media experiment will be supremely detrimental to us as a society. I'm desperate to disengage - learn to live without the concrete block of residency in Zuccland on my back.
I started to imagine life post-Facebook. The concept of losing contact with my friends by not being on there is nonsensical. Court and I have multiple friends who've left the platform completely or are almost non-existent on there, and we've found ourselves talking to them more than we ever did on Facebook. The most important part to this equation is that they seem happy to actually exist in the real world, rather than vicariously through their digital avatar. They have their health, sanity, peace of mind. I haven't known a day off the site since 2007, and I'm concerned about having to actually be alone with my thoughts for longer than ten seconds before I drown out the sadness with the white noise on my iPhone. It's a necessary move, both for my sanity and my family. As I pondered my post-Zuccland reality, I wondered how I'd be able to still reach you with the creative endeavors I've been working on. Will I keep Instagram? I have to stay on Twitter - that's James' line to Goldberg. I have so many rolls of film to post, I have a self-published book coming, new episodes of the podcast. How am I going to do get all of this shit out? It dawned on me: you have a sexy social media handle. Use it, pal, and go forth to find peace. I'm excited to officially announce my new venture: ThisisGoober.com. It'll be a central location for everything that goes on in my world. Streamlined, connected, sexy. New episodes of my podcast, new photo essays, new blog entries - everything in one place. It'll officially be my space - a place to explore my life, mind, feelings, processes. Once new posts go live, you'll get an email letting you know it's ready. Don't worry about having to sign up again - I'll take of transferring everyone there after it's live. I'm hopeful to have it launched within the next three weeks - still sorting out hosting, logos, and some other final items. For now, you can find me here: Instagram: @thisisgoober | @adambphotos https://www.foundationradio.net https://www.adambarnardphotos.com In case you missed it, our 2020 year in review video is done. One second, every day in 2020. Click here to see it. Shout out to 1 Second Everyday, the app I've used to create this visual time capsule. Honestly, thank you again for being here. It means a lot to me. Can't wait to share what's coming! Live Long and Prosper, May the Force be with You, and please wear your mask. Peace. Now playing: Elliott Smith, "Say Yes", Either/Or